i hate edging

Dear Diary,

Well. Ok so i hate edging. i know there is a point to it, She said there was. But it's very frustrating. 

i texted Her first thing this morning like She told me to last night. She said good morning and now She wanted me to edge again then call Her. 

So i did. i was still messy from last night so i had old pussy juice and now new all over and i was extremely horny. 

i called Her and She asked if i edged (i did) did i cum (i didn't "Good Girl"!

She said She was proud of me. i told her i was horny. She said She knew. i asked when i could cum She just said not yet. She said all this pent up sexual energy was good for me. i kinda doubted that but i  kept quiet. 

She asked if i had licked my fingers clean. No. She told me to stick them back into my pussy and get them all wet then lick them clean. i did. She then told me to thank Her. i did. She then told me to get in the habit of thanking Her for everything i did for Her or She did to me whether i liked it or not. i said yes Mam. She said that magical "Good Girl".

She said the only thing else for today was i needed capitalizing any reference to Her and making any reference to myself lower case (readers may have noticed). She said this was to remind me that She was my power and i was her possession. 

She said it would be difficult at first just to remember and that autocorrect would fight me to make lower case i but it would become second nature. 

i was to proofread all my Diary entry and tweets from now on to be sure this stuck. Missing any would mean i had failed Her. 

i asked when i would see Her again. She just said soon. 

She reminded me i was to check every 30 minutes to make sure i was still wet then said goodbye. 

So... i am one frustrated and horny girl this morning. 

i did manage to read in my book last night. It says i am 10% through but that probably includes the beginning stuff. But at least it's progress. 

i forgot to ask her about the problem i had with using "Miss" with Domandkitten. i need to ask her next time  

i had a very interesting chat with M. (@truerestraint) last night. i asked him if he had any ideas why Miss M kept intentionally embarrassing me. We discussed a bit and at one point i said "Maybe that's the problem. I need to accept not understanding and just follow"

Another "duh" moment for me. 

Ok i just proofread this entry and found a bunch of misses. This was going to be a challenge. 

Ding! Another pearl of wisdom. That was point. Or a point. Enduring a challenge for Her. And i  realized i liked enduring a challenge for Her. 

Edging

Dear Diary,

Ok, I hate edging. 

Ok that not entirely true. I both love and hate edging. 

Ok so I called her tonight and she told me how beautiful I was today and thank be for being so obedient. And I really did look good naked. She wanted to get me some slave bell for my ankles wrists an nipples when they were healed. (What are those? More research). 

Now she said this will seem mean but there was a purpose. She wanted me to play with myself with her on the phone but not to orgasm. She wanted me to tell her how I was feeling at all times. She used the phrase "Very Verbal". Possibly this was more embarrassment torture sine I don't normally talk during sex. (Later she told me it was so she could tell how close to coming I was. So much for second guessing.). So I did and she kept talking in my ear how beautiful I was and how she loved me doing this for her. So I got almost to the edge and she told me to stop. 

And I did but it was tough. 

Then she said thank you and I was her good girl and things I can't remember. We talked about ten minutes and she said do it again.

So this was edging. And it sucked. But it was exciting at the same time. Especially doing it for her. 

Bla bla bla we did it again. Three edgings. I was exhausted. Sore a little too. And frustrated. I wanted to cum so bad. 

She said thank you baby and good girl and all kinds of things and I hated her and loved her at the same time. 

She told me not to clean my sell except with my fingers and to lick them clean. I was getting used to the taste by now anyway. 

Then she told me to tank her for the edging which I did even though I didn't feel like it.

Then she told me to write this for my diary and post this before I went to bed. I could skip meditation tonight but still needed to text her before sleep. 

So here it is. 

t

A day naked!

Dear Diary,

I had insomnia again last night. I need to read instead of checking Twitter. 

Miss B sent me a text early "Good morning Babydoll. I hope you slept well. Tell me when you wake". I answered immediately "I'm up Mam". She asked if I slept well. "Yes Mam" which of corse was a lie and once she reads this she will know. :-(

A challenge writing this Diary. 

She said she still wanted me to come to her place if it was safe but not to come if it wasn't. Checked the weather and -4. I told her I would try but promised to turn back if it was too bad. 

She said Good Girl (*melt*) then told me there was a Starbucks on the exit to her place and to get two hot chocolate or espresso whichever I liked. 

She also reminded me no orgasms. Yes Mam. 

I should have posted that before I left. Cest la vie

So it was freezing (actually well below freezing) and lots of snow and ice but low traffic so I drove slow. I was late but stopped by the Starbucks and got two hot chocolate and two almond scones. 

I finally got there at 10:15ish. She has a nice but not fancy house. Quaint. 

I wanted to wear a pretty skirt for her but at -2 it was far too cold. (As it turns out it wouldn't matter). 

So I gathered my purse and the hot chocolate and scones (glad I remembered to get extra hot!) and went up to the front door. 

She opened it as soon as I knocked obviously waiting for me. :-)

She told me to set the coffee (she didn't know yet it was hot chocolate) on the table by the chair next to the fire then come back. She hadn't seen the scones either but I set them down with the coffee and went back to her. 

She grabbed both my hands in hers and said she was really glad I came. 

Then she kissed be. Like sticking her tongue down my throat kissed. Ok I exaggerate a little but it was very passionate. 

When she released me she told me to take off all my clothes and put them into the closet by the door. 

When I stood there looking confused she told me again. 

I was still a little confused but took my clothes off and put them nearly in the closet. 

I looked up and she was seated in the chair drinking on of the drinks. She said bra and panties too. Everything. So I did. Once done she said to come there. 

She grabbed my hand and said "Thank you t" she calls me t for Tracy. I blushed a little and she said she knew this was a big step for me then told me to go into the kitchen which she pointed to and get a plate for the scones. 

Fortunately it was warm in her house. I walked naked into the kitchen. Fumbled around until I found a plate then came back to her. 

She sat thank you t. Then she pointed at a pillow on the floor next to her chain and told me to sit so she could explain what was going on. 

I sat and she said she noticed a lot of my tweets were about clothed male naked female. She wanted to see how I felt naked around her and how did it feel. I told her I didn't know. I was overwhelmed. She smiled. 

She said thank you for the scones and hot chocolate. And for stripping without complaint. But if I didn't ask her for some soon the hot chocolate would grow cold! Then she said she wanted me to learn how to formally ask her for things. I was always to call her Miss B or Mam. So I should say Miss B may I please have or may I have something please Mam. Always say please and always say may not can. She knew I COULD have something, I was asking permission. She said to try and I asked permission to have the chocolate and a scone. 

She smiled and said I did well and handed me a cup and one of the scones. 

It felt weird and yet comfortable at the same time being naked in front of her. It happened so quickly. And she was still clothed and acting like there was nothing unusual about it. 

I caught on that I was sitting on the floor and she was sitting in a chair but like the clothes it was weird yet at the same time if felt... Appropriate? Not sure the right word. 

She said to relax. She was still worried about sub frenzy (damn I forgot to look that up!) and that we had just done the biggest thing for today. She wanted mainly to talk and just let me get used to being naked around her. 

She asked how I felt about the word slave. (I guess she hadn't read that post in my Diary. (Or was acting like she hadn't). I told her I wasn't comfortable with it. She said it didn't mean slave like African-American slaves but not to worry about it. We wouldn't use it right now but warned me I would see it a lot as I learned. 

She asked me I was staying no orgasms without her permission. I was. Was I wet for her. I smiled and almost lashed as I said " yes Mam."  She asked what was funny and I told her I had been wet almost all the time since she contacted me. She smiled and said good girl. 

I wonder if that has the same effect on every woman?

Then she said to show her. I stood up and looked at her confused. She said put my fingers in my pussy and hold them up. So I did and they were very wet. Another good girl then she told me to lick them off and sit back down. So I did and did. 

Now she said how much of Miss Abernathy's book had I read. I admitted not much again. She frowned and said ok. She asked if I knew what type of slave or submissive I was interested in becoming. I didn't know. Ok, she said I probably fantasied about being a pleasure slave, most newbies did, but she guessed I was more a domestic slave but neither of them knew as I still had so much to learn. (More for me to look up. Edit: later she said it was in the book)

She asked if I meditated. No. Did I know much about it. No. She sighed and almost seemed exasperated. When I apologized she said no baby it wasn't my fault. Just meant a lot more to teach me. 

Then she told me to stand up and put my hands behind my back and not to move. She reached over and started feeling my pussy and eventually my clit. She warned me not to cum. She kept going until I was getting close then took her hand away. She held it up and told me to lick it clean. 

I was so worked up I could barely stand but I did. Then she told me to takes the cups and plate into the kitchen and to throw away the trash and clean the plate and put it where I got it. 

I had juices flowing down my legs but I did what she told me to do. 

When I got back she told me that was called edging. Come to the edge of orgasm and stop. I would get used to it and smiled. 

She had moved the pillow to the corner and told me to sit facing the corner and try to meditate. I asked her what about and she said think about nothingness. (WTF?). So I sat there and did a miserable job of trying to think of nothing. (Does the phrase "Try not to think of a pink elephant" sound familiar?)

So I sat there and sat there and sat there. I'm pretty sure all I accomplished was forgetting I was naked in a semi-strangers house (thank god for heaters) and I didn't hear her on the phone ordering lunch. 

She called to me and said lunch was coming soon and there was a floral print robe in the closet where I put my clothes and to put it on before answering then door. 

A few minutes later the doorbell rang and she handed me a 20 dollar bill. I went to the closet and found the robe (more like a kimono... Wish I was shorter) answered the door and practically dragged the poor delivery boy inside and closed the door as 3 polar bears and a flock of penguin came in. :-)

I gave him the 20 and Miss B said from her chair to keep the change. I let him out and returned the robe to the closet. 

Miss B said to just set the food in the kitchen and come back.  

When I did she saw I was shivering and she reached for me and pulled me onto her lap. (Not an easy feat mind you. I'm 5'10' and while I'm in pretty good shape 5'10" is not light)

She just held me and rubbed me until I stopped shivering. 

I swear that was as good as sex. Seriously. 

She told me to go get the soup (soup and bread delivery...yummy!) as well as plates silverware and such. 

I returned with it all (three trips actually as I didn't want to spill the soup!) and Miss B told me to sit down next to her by the chair side table (what are those called?)

Then we just ate and talked normally if you can consider it normal when one person is naked and kneeling on the floor. lol

But honest that's how it felt mostly. 90% of the time it felt normal and I didn't even think about it. 

More importantly I was happy. 

She asked me how I felt being naked around her. Fine. But naked and seated on the floor and serving her?  Strange at first but I could get used to it. Especially if I knew she liked it and I kind of liked it. 

"Baby, I don't just like it. I love it. And I'm so proud of you for doing it with no struggle."

Melt

"If you don't want to tell me today but I want you to do this every time you come here unless I have company. As soon as you enter strip and then come to me and kneel. Is that ok?"

Yes Mam

Tell me now if not. I won't be mad. We are still feeling each other out. Learning what we want and need

Yes Mam. I want this. 

Wow. And I did. And apparently she did too. :-)

Ok, then those are new rules. Understand?

Yes Mam

Wow. 

Ok, clear the food then come back and pull your pillow close and read your book. I assume you have kindle on your iPhone?

Yes Mam

Go get it turn on air-plane mode and you can read it that way. 

Overwhelmed again I grabbed the dishes and took them into the kitchen. The act of hand washing them helped calm me. 

When I was done I got my phone and came back and set next to her on the pillow. 

I admit I thought more than I read and can't remember a thing. I'm going to have to read it again

Ok what else happened. She said I would have to learn to meditate but she would get me a book. In the meantime she wants me to spend 15 minutes each night sitting on my pillow (she gave me the pillow) just calming my mind. 

She saw my nipples were pierced and asked when and when they would be healed. June 1st. She smiled said good and wrote that down. 

Ruh row!

She also gave me a long price of rope (30'? 50'?  I need to measure.). She told me just get used to it. Keep it with me. On the chair I'm sitting on. In bed. On my lap when I'm driving. 

She also said to read the book. Is was a suggestion before. Now it's an order. Then she wants to talk about it. 

She wants me to call her before I go to bed tonight. 

She wants a good morning text when I first wake up and a good night text last thing before I go to sleep. 

She wants me to think about a token or piece of jewelry to always have with me that will remind me of her. 

She wants me to make a list of all my rules and tasks so I don't forget any of them. (The implication was in the future there would be consequences.)

Oh. Every 30 minutes or so except at work she wants me to feel my pussy and make sure it's wet and if not play with it until it it. And lick my hand clean. 

Before I left she said I could ask her anything. 

That through me. I wasn't ready for it. 

What about pain? I know there is pain in BDSM. It scares me. 

She thought and asked did I remember the feeling when the nipple clamps come off?

Yes

Hold that thought. How did it feel when they pierced my nipples. It hurt. How bad. Not bad. Try to remember. Was there a flood like the nipple clamps? I thought and yes there was. Hold that thought too. How do the nipples feel now? OMG they were awesome. Awesome how. I don't understand. Isn't it similar to the clamps and piercing? I thought. She said isn't it all the same and its pain and you like it just don't want to admit to yourself you liked it?

I was silent. It made so much sense yet my brain couldn't process it. 

That's ok baby, just think about what I said (man have I ever!) and remember D/s is not automatically BDSM. We will figure this out as we go. I only want for you what you really want. The problem is neither one of us knows what that really is yet. 

After a long pause she asked was there anything else?

Hesitantly I asked are you interested in me sexually? I've never been with a woman but I'm sure I want to now. (Worst. Pickup. Line. Ever.)

She laughed and said absolutely. I was beautiful to her in more ways than I could imagine. 

Ok when you are naked and you blush beet red...

Then why hasn't she done anything?

She had just not much. Then she said (and I remember this word for word) "Babydoll, first I want you to want me more than anything in the world. So much it hurts. So much there is no chance you will ever leave me"

Jaw drop. Stunned. Blushing past beet red. Speechless. Still. I don't even know what to do with that. 

She could tell and said no more today. She had pushed to far again. 

She told me to go home and think about today (like I couldn't!) and read the book. Not only was there a lot to learn there was another book on meditation coming. 

Ok, that's what I remember but I'm sure I forgot tons. 

PS Sometime we talk about how busy I was with the thank you for following and adding people to the reading list and thanking every picture sent to me and... :-). She said keep trying but if it doesn't slow down by the start of the semester she would do something. 

Whew!

t

Thoughts on submission

Dear Diary,

Miss B told me to think about what submission meant to me while masturbating this morning. 

Which is kind of weird but I assume she knows what she is doing. 

So my first thought was wild animals and how lower pecking order animals to stronger. And how stronger animals were only in power as long as they were stronger. So by default (ipso facto in Latin I think) the pack leader was ALWAYS the strongest and the others submitted to it. 

Then I thought of US slaves 200 years ago. They were Slaves but they weren't submissive. Submissive require choice and they had none. 

This was not very erotic and did nothing for my pussy :-)

So then I thought of BDSN slave. They did have choice and chose to be submissive. This made them a far better choice for a master or mistress since by choosing their submission they were far more likely to be loyal. 

That's as far as I got. I hope that was sufficient Mamm

my

Humble

Dear Diary,

If being humbled was Miss B's intent of me calling everyone a Sir or Miss, it's working. I can tell the effects in my tweets and even at the coffee shop this morning although I did call the barista Miss lol. 

It's also making me more mindful of my tweet. I pay attention more since I have to make sure I remember. 

t

What I didn't say

Dear Diary.

Miss M said no secrets. I had to include everything in my Diary. So, as best i remember...

She asked me how much of the book she gave me I had read. (Erotic Slavehood by Miss Abernathy). I admitted not much. She said that was ok but the sooner I read it the sooner we could talk about it. 

I told her I had read The Marketplace by Laura Antoniou. She smiled and said forget anything I read. Fun read but totally unrealistic. 

I admitted I had read all three 50 Shades of Grey books but quickly added they were really romance books. She laughed and said they were bad romance books. 

I told her I had read of stuff on submissiveguide.com and random sites on the net. She nodded 

Then she asked me why I thought I was submissive. I didn't have a good answer other than I liked to make people happy to please them. It was important to me. 

She said ok but there were other reasons she could see and she would teach me to put words to them. 

She said switch tract. Did I like boys or girls?

I explained I had always liked boys but been curious about girls. Did I find her attractive?  I went beet red and said yes she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. That may or may not have been true two weeks ago but I completely believe it now. She said good because she WOULD have me soon. 

That made me wet. er. Wetter :-)

Then she asked me if I still liked guys. I hesitated and said yes Mamm. She had been following my tweets obviously because she asked if I liked sucking cock. I said yes, very much. She said "yes Mamm, very much. " Lesson learned. 

She said you think you are good at it don't you. I said yes Mamm. She said good she would make sure I had plenty of opportunity. 

She said she saw a lot of blindfold and rope bondage in my tweets. What's up with that? I said I thing it means I need to give control to someone else. She said very good, that was true. What else? I had no answer. She explained I couldn't let myself go so I had to be bound and the blindfold was so I couldn't see it and pretend it wasn't happening. 

That was a duh moment for me and I admit I wasn't paying as close attention to the rest as I should have. 

Did I like spankings. I don't know. Had I ever been spanked. No. What did I think oh floggers whips canes and such. They scare me. Why. They hurt. How do I know. I don't. If they hurt why do people like them. I don't know. If people like them and they cause pain is pain automatically bad. I was silent. 

Why was I afraid of pain. I don't understand the question. Had I ever experienced any pain that was good?

Well that did it. I set back in my seat and she could tell I was think so she was quiet. (As a side note she was unbelievably sexy at that moment). 

I told her about my clover nipple clamps. How they hurt but I liked enduring it and when they came off there was a rush or flood of something through my body that was magical. She smiled and said remember that feeling. 

Then she went on. I can't remember everything but did I like house cleaning. Not really but I did it. I hired a cleaner once a month. Did I like cooking. I love cooking. Did I like driving. Had I ever worked as a waitress  had I ever been in an orgy (no) had I ever been in a threesome (once in college and it was a disaster) did I use dildos (not usually) magic wands (what?)anyone use dildos on me (no) butt plugs (no) what did I think about them (curious). 

She paused and said I'll modify a BDSM checklist for you.  

Then she ask oh, what about a little hooks? She'd seen a lot of those. They scare me but I'm intrigued. She smiled. 

She said you really are such a baby aren't you?

Then she put her arms out and just held me. She whispered I want you. 

Ok there was more but I can't remember and that is a great place to stop. 

Dec 29

Dear Diary,

She woke me with the text "Good morning beautiful'! First time her morning texts were anything other than "I hope you are wet". 

When I respond "Yes Mamm" she sent "Good Girl" which made me even more wet. 

I swear I've been wet 24/7 since she contacted me! Not that I'm complaining. That's a good thing. :-)

Then she told me she wanted to play with myself until I came before showering and think about what being submissive meant to me. Then shower and text her back. 

It was a great orgasm :-)

I texted her and she texted back my task for the day was to research submission. When I texted back that was vague and broad she responded "I know :-)"

So. The list grows. 

Later we talked on the phone. During the talk she said she was a little concerned about "sub-frenzy" (something I need to look up) and she decided to slow down. We are on Christmas break but she said she hope to have me for a long time. (*Swoon*). She said if the weather allowed and if I felt comfortable enough she wanted to come to her place tomorrow!

Remember the kids song "Rain, rain go away" well... Snow snow go away... Or maybe the mailman slogan "Neither rain nor snow nor..." :-). I'll get there if I have to hijack an emergency vehicle!

So, Miss B read yesterday's Diary entry and she said no. No privacy. I have to enter the things I omitted at the end. I will do that sometime today. 

I've been thinking of the reason for all these tasks she's giving me. Not that she needs a reason. They may just make her happy. Who knows. I think at least part of the reason for making this diary visible is to embarrass me. And that may be for as reason too for all I know. I do know there is a connection between embarrassment and eroticism. Whenever I see a message flash on my screen that someone had favored something that embarrasses me I get a tingle. Is that the point?

Also I am realizing that by requiring me to refer to everyone as Sir or Miss even if they are subs is reminding me to remain humble. If that was the point it's working. If not it's still a good thing. 

Yesterday was frantic. After tweeting her rules it seemed like everyone was intentionally trying to make it hard on me. But eventually by nine or so I caught up. (Thank you Elle for keeping me sane! <3)

But I did it. And it made me feel good to know I faced the frenzy and pushed through for her. :-)

t